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You are trapped by media and convenient electronic devices, by lions that cage your soul. You write not from your own mind, speak not from your own heart. I will not be suppressed. I will not be silent. The world, they have held victory far too long for comfort, they have restrained us and held our own tongues against us! Our minds have doors, as do our hearts, but they have been open all this time, and now the scum lines the walls of every facet that makes us. If we do not own our souls, who does? The world, of course. We are a broken society, a defeated generation. We must fight to close our doors on the foolish and the anonymous. The world holds billions like us, all of us just the same. We’re all in the same game, just different levels, dealing with the same hell, just different devils. I will not be suppressed, nor silent because I will not allow myself to be part of a mechanically world machine. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul without being cautious, careful, realistic, or remembering the limitations of being human. I want to know if you can break free and not be suppressed or silent and find your way back…

This world is forever bound by hatred and superficiality. Why is it that there is so much to seek yet nothing can ever be found? It is so hard to find your way back to the unselfish reality your soul so desperately longs for, yet we can’t hear it screaming. We can’t hear ourselves screaming until it comes to the point where you’re practically dying inside, crumbling to pieces until you waste away to nothing but a figure taking up space and existence. Petty little things like heart breaks and broken trust cannot be bothered with when there is so much more at stake. The question is not how much more, it’s how much you’re willing to do to resolve it. If you’re willing to resolve it. Why let things slide when you clearly have that pinching feeling somewhere inside you urging, “Don’t walk away. Speak.” Why are you afraid to speak? The truth will hurt only those who no longer wish to see reality, not those who have even an ounce of courage that speaks directly to their soul and says, “You need to be true to yourself.” You owe yourself that much. You deserve to live, not just exist.


Shades of Gray

Somewhere in the distance, I see a little girl running freely through an open field, laughing as if she had no worry in the world, moonlight cascading around her. Chasing after her, I see an older girl, laughing too, with similar features and a familiar face… my face. That little girl is me… and the elder girl is what I want to be. I see two versions of myself laughing and enjoying the moment from where I stand and I wonder, is this how it feels to be outside looking in? No, rather, I’m inside looking out. A pang of pain hits me deep inside as I cry my eyes out wanting so much to be out there. Everything around me seems so small and dark, as if it were all caving in, and then everything went silent. I could no longer hear the laughter of my two shades or the sound of my anklets as both of my shades chased after each other. What I feared most, happened. The thought of an infinitely silent world always frightened me. As I sat there in my dark, silent bubble all alone, I realized that this world is, in fact, infinitely silent. The color is in us, the sound is in us, so if this world was to be void of “us” would it not be infinitely silent? When I considered the short duration of life in general, swallowed up in the eternity that lies before and after it, when I considered the little space I fill and see, engulfed in the infinite immensity of spaces of which I am and remain ignorant to, I sat frightened, and astonished because there was never a reason to be afraid. I’m one person amongst trillions and trillions… so small in this universe. The infinite silence I feared for so long, suddenly ceased to matter. My bubble no longer existed and for the first time I felt alive because I wasn’t like the sad child staring out the window during a storm hoping for sun anymore. The storm had passed. The little me was the calm before the storm and the older one, the bright sunshine after it. I was and am both of those girls, the younger one waving at me from where she stood, smiling. Reminding me that this is what I used to be once, carefree and alive. The older one holding the younger one’s hand, waving as well, showing me that this is what I can be. The look in their eyes and the smile on their faces was so inviting, as if asking me to join them, so I did. As I neared them, they took hold of my hands and fused into me, leaving nothing but one, single me. I always thought truth was a candle inside a multicolored lantern. Everyone looks through a particular color and assumes they have seen truth, but the candle is always constant. I was one of those people, but then I thought, what if what we see isn’t the truth and only color-blind people see what’s really there? It wasn’t until I saw it that I realized, the color of Truth is gray because it comes from a combination of light and dark, the good and bad, pleasant and bitter… but think of the many shades it produces. The little me was white, pure. The me trapped in that bubble was black, lost. When the two fused, I became the elder me that I so desperately yearned to be… gray. I laughed, I danced, I cried. This is my journey… happiness to self discovery, and I’ve lived every bit of it. 🙂

I sat in silence, admiring the serenity of nature, until I felt the rays of the sun shift to something behind me. The still, green leaves of the trees smiled down on me, but when I turned back around, I saw the lonely graveyard merely 20 feet ahead, and below my feet, the crunching of dead leaves. Some had lost their color completely, others had just recently fallen but I knew their fate. Behind me was life, in front, death… and in between the two, I sat. How similar I am to those changing leaves. Still living, yet always near death.

This was my biggest realization as I sat in the graveyard. My walk from the lake to the graveyard, in itself, was a series of realizations. They were things I already realized and accepted, it’s just that I never realized them in-depth. Earlier in the morning when I’d just woken up from a rather interesting dream, I wondered where exactly it came from, but as I sat in the graveyard, I understood. I sat and wondered what dusk was and I realized that… dusk, is just an illusion, because the sun is either above the horizon or below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are; there cannot be one without the other, yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel, I remember wondering, to be always together, yet forever apart?

That’s when it hit me. Our body and soul must go through the same thing. Always together, yet forever apart. From Socrates, I learned that the soul is always trying to find freedom from the body to find Truth because it’s encaged inside. Yes, they must work in unison until the day they are to part, but they are also linked in a way similar to day and night; it’s just that, the sun much like the soul is giver of life. When either one is absent, neither night, nor the body can exist.

In a profound sense, every man has two halves to his being; he is not one person so much as two persons trying to act in unison. I really feel that in the depths of each human being there is something which I can only describe as a child of darkness who is equal and complementary to the more obvious child of light. As a child, they’re afraid of the dark, but as an adult, they’re afraid of the light. Ignorance and truth, so to speak, but again, they are two parts of one whole.

I find myself, now, standing at the foot of two paths once again. I can stand here and look down both as far as I can, but which one should I choose? Neither path is simple, but they both lead to the same place. My journey will not be simple, but that is precisely the problem. Both roads are less traveled by, so which one will make the difference? They’re identical, yet so very different… Every life story has an identical beginning and an identical end, but what happens in the middle is what matters most. Previously, I spoke about finding your “self.” I’ve found my “self,” but what’s next? The path I take, is it going to take me to the next level or will it simply continue leading me down a path that I’ve been traveling on since my “self” discovery? I know I’m nowhere near the highest form of thought yet, but I do realize that I’ve started working my way up.

At first, I used to think that I’d found a new topic to ponder. Can we really define our “self?” What can we gain by sailing to the moon if we’re not able to cross the abyss that separates us from ourselves? This is the most important of all journeys of discovery, and without it, all the rest are not only useless, but disastrous. There is an eternal landscape of the soul, so why do we merely look for the outline? Once I’d gone through the process itself, I understood that what I was looking at was much more complex than the basic outline. I’d gone in search of the outline, but came back with the full form.

Somewhere in the graveyard, I saw a candle sitting next to someone’s grave, and instantly I had a new thought to ponder over. What are light and darkness? What is fire? Over the years, I’ve learned that one thing is certain. No matter how fast light travels, it will always be greeted by darkness, waiting for it to arrive. Label me if you must, but I will make one thing very clear. I am not a pessimist, nor am I a depressed soul. I’m merely a wandering spirit in search of Truth and Beauty, noticing things and asking questions along the way, and this is just one of the many things that I’ve pondered over. Light travels at 299,792,458 meters, but it’s always greeted by darkness. What would the purpose of light be if there was no darkness to welcome it, silently allowing it to spread itself and illuminate every corner that it touches? Life, here, can be seen as that light. Death is pre-destined and in a sense; it merely allows life to continue until it is destined to take over and become life’s relief.

As for fire, I wonder if it could be easier to explain my thoughts if I were to give fire the form of a human. Fire is the harshest element. It takes up so many forms. It can burn like passion or burn everything down in destruction. In any sense, it burns whatever it comes in contact with. Though, I always wonder, if Fire were to take the form of a human, how unfortunate it would be to not even be able to touch something with affection without turning it into ash. Something that cannot be gentle even if it so chooses, but fire is also the giver of life on those cold, frozen nights when it seems as if the world itself is trying to drag you into its dark and silent depths. Fire is the element that keeps the final chilling embrace of death at bay.

I think one of the most important lessons I’ve learned from all of my Philosophy classes put together is nothing ceases to exist. I understand that more now than I ever had before. Being cannot cease to be, it just changes forms, and as I sit here now, I see so much that stands as an example of that. These leaves are here today, gone tomorrow, only to become part of the earth. These people were once living and breathing, but have long been put to rest. Most, if not all, have already become part of the earth, but their souls live on. They’re not gone; they just changed forms is all. When my dad was dying, I remember telling my mom the very same thing. He’s not gone. He merely changed forms. Starting off as an embryo, moving onto become a fetus, then a baby, eventually going through a series of accidental changes, until finally, he was at the last stage… substantial change. Even then, however, he left only his body behind. His soul was completely free and still present.

I am a dreamer by nature. You see things and ask, “why”, but I think things that never were and ask, “why not?” I’ve been asked what my purpose in life is. That’s a complex question with a simple answer. My purpose is to find Truth and Beauty. Sometimes I feel like a person standing outside a glass wall looking in. What if everything we believe in, materially, and how we see the world, ideally, is all a big farce? There are so many unanswered questions. Philosophers of the past proposed questions that were disregarded as irrelevant or unimportant, but how do we know those same “irrelevant and unimportant” questions couldn’t have changed the face of the world we live in now?

As I sat there while the hours passed, and the sun went down, I looked up and saw one of the most beautiful sunsets I’d ever seen, and I wondered, “how many of these have I missed?” Have they always been there, but I’m only noticing them now because I finally understand Beauty? I sat there at that strange hour trying to contemplate the reason why I could not get myself to leave until I set my eyes on the burning sky ahead of me. That sunset could not be duplicated. Every color, every hue, captivated me to the point that I didn’t even realize when they’d transformed into a whole new array of shades. At that moment, I wish I could have dipped my brush into the sky and set it across my canvas but I’m no magician, just an amateur artist. I could never recreate that beauty. Those colors would clash if I tried to put them together… if I could ever have the ability to create them. Where do you even find such colors? Do these colors even have names? Surely, you can’t just invent a color, that’s absurd, but those colors I saw were unlike any I’ve seen before. Colors I cannot even give a name to. Sometimes I wish I could combine two of my senses and paint the scent of the earth after a rain shower, but realistically, I understand.

I was once asked how I can believe in the soul when I can’t see it. “How do you know there’s a soul when it can’t be seen?” Well, I see it as a clear prism. If you shine a light through it, you see a rainbow. Similarly, your body is that prism. When the light of Truth shines through the impurities, your soul can be seen. Much like a match stick, it has fire, but you can’t see it unless you strike it, or like alcohol which has the ability to intoxicate, but you’d never be able to see it. The soul is like the wind. It has the ability to move things with such force and sometimes it just breezes past gently, but you can’t see it. If I deny the existence of the soul because I can’t see it, then logically, shouldn’t I deny everything that I can’t see but know exists?

The longer I sat there, the more of my life I saw gliding past my eyes. I see how much I’ve grown as a person, not just physically, but also mentally. My thoughts that once used to be restricted are now free and matured. Before, I used to look at a tree and see it for just that… a tree. Now I see a tree and see its story unfold. In summer, the leaves are full of life, but in autumn, the bright red leaves have a story of their own of life and death. Some will fall and some will remain rooted to their origin, but their end has been decided. Everything falls into place eventually, and that’s the most important lesson I’ve learned.

The Journey of Self

A couple of days back, I sat in a cemetery and thought about life. Ever since I lost my dad, I’ve taken to nights out in the country, alone. I’d been doing this since around last April, but it became a very frequent thing all throughout the summer. Every other night I would drive out into the country alone and star gaze. I would sit there until sunrise and watch the massive array of colors with awe. Recently, I went out to the country again, but I sat near a cemetery instead of the lake I usually sit by and looked up at the stars once again. This time it was different though because this time I did more than just admire them. I questioned.

I noticed one of the corner stars of the Little Dipper flickering and the first thing that came to mind was the birth of a new star. It’s strange how in Greek mythology, the Phoenix is reborn from its ashes just as a star is reborn from its remnants. Sometimes I wonder if everything we know now through science was already known back then through mythology. Sure, they seem like stories to us, but I can’t help but feel as if there is some reality hidden behind each one of those stories, to some extent. Isn’t it possible that our knowledge, that we base entirely on facts and evidence most of the time, might actually be able to extend further than what we expect it to reach. Mind transcends matter, space, and time.

Eventually, I did go back to the lake and carefully watched the ripples in the water. Just as fast as they start, they grow too… bigger and bigger, until eventually, the water would be still again until another ripple formed. In a sense, I feel like we can compare humans to those ripples. A foolish, ignorant man acts without thinking and sometimes chooses to remain ignorant regardless of how many mistakes he’s actually making. It’s not that he doesn’t realize he’s doing something, it’s the fact that he refuses to acknowledge the Truth, so he continues to make mistakes that get larger and larger until eventually, there’s nothing left to lose and you’re back to still water. A ripple needs someone or something to start it.

A chance, maybe. Coming to the topic of chances, I’ve always seen them in a different light. I call it the “what now?” stage. Chances or opportunities, for me, are like ice cream. This world is such a huge place and we don’t have enough time to take up every single chance that’s thrown at us and somehow, that makes some people depressed. Almost as if they think that every chance is meant to be accepted, but it’s not possible. Chances are like ice cream flavors. Just as every person can’t like every single flavor, it’s not necessary that every person will like every chance that life throws at them, but just because you don’t like that “flavor” doesn’t mean there won’t be any other “flavors.” No matter what, there is always going to be a “flavor of the month.” It’s your choice whether you choose to take it or not. If you don’t take one, it doesn’t mean there won’t be any more ever again because that’s just how life works. It will keep throwing something at you until you realize what your “flavor” is and you accept it.

Once we’re out of the “what now” stage, we fall into the “what if” stage. Our life consists of a series of questions; so many baseless questions and worries that I sometimes wonder why people don’t just drop the paranoia and question their sanity. In this world everyone wants success and all they see is success. If you have success, you’ll be happy, otherwise you’ll be miserable. No one wants to look beyond that, or rather behind it. How many people actually go back and notice someone for the amount of mistakes they made to reach that height of success? Success is not possible without mistakes because we’d get so tired of doing the same thing over and over again if there were no such thing as mistakes. We’d never be able to see past what we were doing all our lives. God has created us in such a way that our curiosity is always craving for more; it never stops asking questions and it never stops pondering over answers.

We get the answer to one question and then we turn that very answer into a whole new question hoping for a better answer. Our minds are never fully satisfied with what is presented. Just imagine, when a child stands on his own two feet for the very first time, and then falls, why does he try to stand up again? Not because he enjoys falling, but because he wants to know and experience what comes after crawling. Once he learns to stand and maintain his balance, even then he’s not satisfied. Now, he wants to know… “what next?” What comes after standing? That’s when he learns how to walk and eventually run.

We all make so many mistakes in life, but when you put all of those mistakes together, you’ll find paths of success winding clearly through. Everyone makes mistakes, but how many know how to accept and face them? The problem here is we’re afraid. We fear what others will say, what the world will say. That’s the problem and also the solution. We’re afraid of a world full of judgmental people who have no right to judge anyone but themselves. Some of them make more mistakes than we do, but they only see the faults of others. My dad always used to teach me that one should never point fingers at another because you’re pointing one finger at someone else but look down and see that your other three are pointing right back at you as a reminder that no one gave you the right to judge when you probably have more faults than the other person.

I sat amongst those people that once roamed in their human form but are now nothing but another composition of the earth. Though, I wonder, how many of those people actually knew how to live? Don’t get me wrong, I know the difference between living and existing and understand fully that some people do, indeed, merely exist. My question, though, is how many knew how to live. How many realized the difference between success and failure? How many comprehended the concept of recurring chances? How many found their self?

I cannot speak for anyone but myself, but I know what I am; I know who I am. I always feel like I have questions to be answered and answers to be questioned. I have so many arguments and conclusions, but no reasons for a lot of my own reasonings. It’s so… strange. Sometimes I used to wish there was a way out, but obviously there isn’t. It wasn’t that I hadn’t been searching for a way out. The thing is I probably wasn’t searching hard enough. Or maybe I was, but I was just failing to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was like I was restricted and confined, limited to my thoughts when I clearly knew that I wasn’t. I’m still deducing and contemplating things even now, just not at such an extreme level. I’ve been on my journey of self discovery and I can honestly say that it’s quite a torturous feeling. You feel like you’re stuck. Like you’d come too far and there was absolutely no looking back, but you desperately wished you could turn around and walk away from everything.

When, in the end, you find what you’re looking for, you realize that the whole agonizing journey was well worth the torture because once you’re out, you’re out. Your outlook on everything changes. Your thoughts, your visions, your understanding all belong to you and only you, and that’s when you understand what the point of the whole journey was. The point is you. You went looking for something, but had no idea what exactly that something was. It’s a distant concept, the image is really fuzzy, and you’re completely clueless and lost, but when you come out of it, the concept is so welcoming and familiar, the image is clear, and you have all of your answers. You were lost, but are now found because that fuzzy image that you couldn’t recognize at first was you, and when you see it, you don’t see anything else. It’s an intoxicating sort of happiness, but not one that brings you down in any way. If anything, it raises you to a higher level of thought.

What did I learn from this whole journey? Life goes on no matter what. It’s just the matter of how ready you are and how open you are to accept the changes and move on because in the end it’s you who is to believe it and accept it. Questions will always be present and answers will keep coming, and you will continue to question those answers and pose them as new questions. All you require is patience. There is no way out if you keep trying to escape it because then it will keep haunting you and will follow you to the grave. There is a way out if you face it with patience and accept it.

Do not restrict yourself with preconceived notions and don’t deduce and contemplate until you are through with it completely. It’s like knowing the path and talking about it and walking the path and then taking about it! You know what the difference is? It’s just the experience, so it’s better that you go through it, pass through it, but don’t let anything harm your dignity and never lose your self-respect. Even if you have, then you have to regain it, because that’s what keeps your life going. That’s all that matters in the end. In the end, you are not lost; it’s a phase you’re going through. You’re not confused; you’re in a complex thought process, much higher than what you may be used to and comfortable with, where you have to choose the right answer without prejudice. It took me a good 6-7 months, but I believed it, accepted it, and moved on accordingly. That’s all that ever mattered to begin with.

Now when I look at those graves, I see tombstones with names, dates, and occasionally a few quotes, but more importantly, I see what I have found before I’m in one of those graves. I’ve found what’s most important in life and essential to my being. I’ve found my “self.”

After a long wait…

Hey guys!

So, after a ridiculously long wait and my friends constantly nagging my sorry carcass non-stop, I’ve finally put up my blog. So would you quit hounding me now? haha. Anyway, my first REAL post will be up soon. For now, I’m just dropping an intro. I hope you guys enjoy reading the stuff and are able to deal with my philosophical outbursts. Hope to get insightful comments from all of you. Don’t forget to check the “About” section up top. Hopefully, I’ll be adding more pages for you guys. Just a heads up, you do not have to register on this site to subscribe to my blog. Just enter your email up where it says Subscribe and you can access this site easily. Just wanted to clear that up. Until then, my Lovelies. 🙂 God bless!